taking fire

OK here’s my current working life. This is in response to CJ’s post btw.

• 0600 – Dreams are scattered by extreme loudness courtesy of BBC 6 Music. The early morning DJ, Chris Hawkins plays great new alternative music but his stupid fucking voice makes me want to spew razors into the eyes of babies.

• 0615 – reluctantly emerge from bedwomb. Observe dust on dumb-bells (since I started attending gym). Cleanse generally. I always feel an irresistible urge to multitask when I am cleaning my teeth. Generally pick up a nearby book and consume a couple of toothpaste-spattered pages.

• 0630 – strap on Patrick Cox’s and feel mildly aggrieved at having to wear a smart shirt. Assemble things I need for the day in ritual fashion.

• 0645 – whack the iPod on Shuffle and hike up the hill to Haymarket station. Drop off screenselect DVDs in post box. Get to train 2 minutes before departure.

• 0704 – the 45 minute commute, nice and quiet at this time. Obtain Metro. Can’t read letters page any more. Any story involving bird flu is mercilessly frowned at. Discard Metro for latest book. Try not to fall asleep.

• 0749 – Glasgow Queen Street. A recorded female Scots voice repeats in a deafening, banal haiku:

would the customers just arriving
please use both sets of exit gates
as they depart the station platform

…which is spoken gently enough but after the fifth time is utterly maddening, especially as something good just came on the headphones.

• 0750 – careful observation of crowd dynamics leaving the platform. Luckily my Uni research into crowding and flocking behaviours allows me to cleverly devise the most efficient path through the milling plebs and shave seconds off my journey time.

• 0751 – with trepidation, insert battered season ticket into barrier. 10% of the time the ticket dies and I am left embarassingly corralled with pressing hordes behind. On these occasions I like to shout CUNT far too loudly and hack my way over to the guarded gate.

• 0800 – Glasgow street manouevres: head up, purposeful striding, play ‘spot the sunbed casualty’.

• 0804 – into work. Glass and chrome everywhere. Glass elevator to top floor. Graveyard quiet at this time. Observe high-powered workstation, complicated telephone, two LCD monitors, Madonna headset. Weep with joy.

• morning – fend off emails, field a call or two. Try and get some research and/or coding in.

• 1ish-2ish (Mon/Wed/Fri) – head to gym. Gain massive sustained heart rate, lose hydration. Head goes pleasantly fuzzy. Shower with naked men. Pretend I am in ancient Greece and try to hide arousal. Lunch at the amazing Make Your Own (MYO).

• 1ish-2ish (Tue/Thu) – go for a wander in central Glasgow with Duncan. Observe talented ladies. Buy something random. MYO up a ciabatta with chargrilled chicken, salad, sweet chilli sauce and coleslaw.

• afternoon – employ mild self hypnosis to stay calm despite volume of work and pressing deadlines. Violently headbutt desk to fend off 3pm energy slump. Unwisely ask ultra-Christian colleague about Richard Dawkins documentary. Spend an hour in barely professional debate over the age of the Earth (‘Moon recession’ = Young Earth) and whether gays are abomination (no, the Bible only said men shouldn’t bum each other, that’s different).

• 1700 – with atomic precision the clockwatchers leave. Finally emerge from energy slump, am just getting productive again when Duncan IMs me enough to give in and head for train.

• 1800 – 1900 – the return journey, possibly with odorous Burger King if hunger is persistent. (iPod + book) combo saves the day once again.

• 1900 – 2000 – arrive home. Avoid computer at all costs. Cook enormous meal and watch some screenselect before a nice

• 2200 – early night.