taking fire

I’m not sure if anyone else will find this funny or not but this is an entry I’ve been meaning to put together for a while now – one which involves nicknames we have made up for various people at work. Some people know about their pseudonyms, some don’t (for obvious reasons).

Here you will find them in all their glory. I’ve tried to avoid mentioning full names wherever possible – everyone seems to Google themselves and others nowadays.

Anyway, here we go…

Solider of Fortune:

A creation of mine in honour of our very own God Fearin’, America’s Army playin’ South African. The nickname was conceived after enduring countless over-enthusiastic rants about the killing from the night before. I envisaged our hero walking from a demolished urban sprawl, child draped over one shoulder, machine gun in hand, takin’ out bad guys and doin’ some good.

He didn’t like the nickname. He’s quite a nice South African though. At times.

Ballsy McFadyen:

Another creation of mine, in honour of one of the baldest, but ballsiest, men in our team.

One day, Chopper (see below) and I were sorely tempted to take a slice of a cake that another team had bought for a departing colleague. We were simply too scared to just walk up and help ourselves, plus we thought it would be a tad cheeky (not to mention embarrassing if we got caught). While discussing this frustration we looked up in disbelief as Ballsy casually got up from his seat, strolled over to said cake and helped himself to a big slice.

After that he earned our respect; and his nickname. Which he hates.

Smolty:

In an absolutely monumental lack of judgment Eric told us all about the nickname he was given at Uni – the nickname which traumatized him through his University years.

Eric is known to be something of a ‘swift mover’, propelled at high speeds by incredibly short legs. Once day, he and his Uni buddies happened upon a tank full of young salmon which were swimming around so furiously and with such pace that it reminded them immediately of Eric. And Smolty was birthed, from the word Smolt.

Handsome John:

Amazingly simple and one of my favourites. Nickname for one of the top guys around here who isn’t blessed with the best looks.

“Oh, there goes Handsome John again… I swear, one of these days his left eyeball is going to slide down his throat.”

The Garden Gnome:

Nickname for another one of the top men in our department whose resemblance to a garden gnome is uncanny. And the fact that he is absolutely useless adds weight to the argument that he should be given a silly pointy hat and fishing rod and be put in someones garden indefinitely.

Boss Hog(g):

Nickname for my soon-to-be-former-boss John. Surname is Hogg y’see, nickname in honour of the now defunct punk band which featured Jon Spencer.

Herr Flower a.k.a Gestapo Boy:

Nickname for a colleague and friend of mine; obviously he doesn’t know about it. Bit of a clock-watcher this chap, but generally a top bloke.

P.L.M:

Pasty Love Machine. Nickname for yours truly – something to do with my complexion and my way with the ladies. Apparently.

Chopper:

Nickname for a former colleague of mine who didn’t exactly contribute much but was one of my main reasons for going to work for a while. He and I got on like a house on fire and a lot of the nicknames here were our creations.

However, there was always something sinister about Chopper. Instead of just talking about how great it would be to bed Angelina Jolie he would talk about how great it would be to have sex with her and cut her tits off. And then store them in his sock drawer, so that every time he got up in the morning and opened his drawer to get some clean socks he’d see Angelina’s breasts jiggling away.

His reaction when asked about Natalie Imbruglia?

“She’s one of those birds y’know, you’d just want to stick a knife in her shoulder blade.”

Greg.exe:

Aaron’s favourite. Geeky, techy nickname for a colleague. So simple, so effective, so funny.

Jar Jar Bent:

I’m not joking, there is a guy at my work whose surname is Bender. And he’s an absolute twat. A Californian twat to be precise. Anyway, he’s Jewish, bespectacled, slightly clumsy and has long curly hair – some of the guys here thought his body and face shape resembled Jar Jar Binks somewhat. So they found a photo of Jar Jar on the web, printed it off, drew some curly hair on it and the resemblance was uncanny. And Jar Jar Bent was born.

Vole Hitler:

My all-time favourite. I don’t even know Vole Hitler’s real name. One day we were discussing this guy and Darren said, “If they ever made a TV show based on World War II where the main characters were played by small animals then this guy would be Vole Hilter.”

Hilariously enough he has the ‘tache and the comb-over and recently developed a sinister Nazi-esque limp. You could not script this shit.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.