At Sky in Livingston there is a large and well-appointed canteen for meeting the needs of the 1,000+ CSR workforce and over 400 engineers and consultants that work on-site.
To their credit they supply not only the basics (breakfasts, chips, pies, sausage rolls), but every day dream up three different main meals: Healthy, Main and Vegetarian options.
With hundreds of morbidly, eye-poppingly fat employees dropping dead of cake overdose every week, Sky have taken to reducing the price of their healthier options further and further, to the point where we’re essentially being paid to consume it.
So tasty, creatively prepared food is served up daily at heavily subsidised prices. What good does this do?
Dear Reader, these efforts are to no avail whatso-fucking-ever. All this effort is made so that 99% of the gold-pierced call-centre scum can hunch over the canteen bar and whine through their fat ignorant mink-faces
kin ah geht pie chups an beans
without please or thank you at every single lunchtime without fail, and without hesitation to spare even a cursory glance at what – to us – is fairly decent scran but what is – to them – exotic cuisine so stratospherically haute that you’d need an oxygen mask and a PhD in poshness to even consider eating it.
Essentially these are ‘people’ whose mindless avoidance of vitamins has robbed them of the basic curiosity or initiative to consider eating anything other than what their inbred fuckwit tracksuit parents crammed down their malnourished cake-pipes as hateful mewling children.
I hope they all fucking die.
14-Oct-04 at 8:29 pm | Permalink
You’re so funny. Thanks. I’ve had a shit day, you made me smile. Good work.
15-Oct-04 at 12:23 am | Permalink
What a rant, I fucking love it.
Almost as much as I loved this fucker. And check it out, the picture of Justin is still on the web!
15-Oct-04 at 9:25 am | Permalink
Nicely done, keep it up dude…
15-Oct-04 at 10:40 am | Permalink
Ed Norton stars as Tyler Durden in the remake of “Falling Down”. And this time he’s really mad. About pies.
19-Oct-04 at 1:40 pm | Permalink
i know it’s bad for me, but it’s soooo tasty. Especially when i can still feel the alcohol tearing through my stomach lining.
More importantly, being fat is almost cultural in Scotland now.
12-Dec-06 at 12:12 pm | Permalink
This entry has always been a favourite of mine so I was reminded of it when I received the following last week regarding our own glorious Livingston canteen:
“Due to equipment failure, our restaurant team are unable to provide hot food or scones this morning. Toast and items from the Healthy bar are still available and for those who prefer a roll, cold meats and cheese will be provided. The team are working hard to repair the fault for the start of the lunch services and we will keep you updated.”
Which was then followed by this absolute gem:
“The good news is, hot breakfast is now available. Lunch service is as normal today with the exception of chips, however roast potatoes will be provided as an alternative. Please watch out in the restaurant this week for any amendments and alternatives to chips.”
13-Dec-06 at 11:01 am | Permalink
I have the opposite problem at my work.
Everyone else brings in their own home-grown organic vegetables and bloody bramble bushes and each day I open my plastic bag full of Greggs’ goodies with a mild feeling of inferiority.
17-Dec-06 at 1:26 am | Permalink
I try and eat healthy things for lunch, but then the boys come back with bags of fudge dougnuts from Greggs and I succumb, forcing mouthfulls of custardy cellulite down my gizzard whilst pangs of guilt reverberate inside me. Sometimes I have two. Fat cunt.
17-Dec-06 at 1:28 am | Permalink
Oh my goodness, I just said the c word. I’m terribly sorry.
09-Mar-07 at 3:56 pm | Permalink
At Farne Salmon in the Scottish Borders there is some HR tart that has suddenly decided factory staff are an embarrassment to the company. From now on, we need to get a key from reception to go to the bathroom in order to avoid “any messiness which makes a bad impression on visitors” (I quote). In other words it is a segregation between office and factory staff, and as usual I’m the only one who blinks at this.
Apart from the fact that in almost 3 years here, I have never seen the bathroom in any state of messiness, I’d like to know what makes people feel that because they work in an office they are cleaner, better, more worthy? Really I’d like to know why already being in the fortunate position of not freezing their arse off in the factory they have to rub it in even further?
I was screamed at yesterday by the same HR tart for using an Italian factory worker to do a translation for me. Apparently, if you work in a factory, you are no better than a monkey and incapable of translating the stupid marketing stuff I come up with along the lines of “this salmon is so great it swims about Scottish lochs which are known for being the best in the world and it is surely the most amazing thing you’ve ever tasted because it was smoked by Scots in kilts”
Interestingly enough the tart in question used to work at Sky in Livingston.
If I worked in a factory or in a call centre, I’d eat deep fried food and chain smoke on purpose in order to make sure I didn’t stay on earth too long.