{ 28 03 2003 }

mair glasgow humour

Bit more original than the usual pish.

NEWSFLASH: Earthquake hits Glasgow

AT 00.54 ON FRIDAY 07TH MARCH 2003, A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HIT – MEASURING 4.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE – EPICENTRED ON GLASGOW

Victims could be seen wandering aimlessly muttering, “Ah wiz shitin’ masel’”, “Ah need some jellies”. The earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Untold disruption and distress was caused:

- Many were woken well before their giro arrived;

- Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged;

- Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed;

- The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery.

Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow.

One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said “It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.”

Looting was reported to be unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP
Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:

- Sovvy rings
- Baseball caps
- Shell suits
- Tesco two stripe trainers
- White socks
- Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

- Square Sausage
- Buckfast
- Fritters
- Buckfast
- Walkers crisps
- Buckfast
- Stovies
- Buckfast
- Mussels in Brine
- Buckfast
- Fray Bentos Pies
- Buckfast

Remember:

£2 buys chips and ginger for a family of four.

£10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.

22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

Please send your credit card number.

The children of Glasgow thank you.

Posted by air on Friday, March 28th, 2003, at 2:11 pm, and filed under Uncategorized.

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